It's just a pet...

I don't proclaim my journey in life is special. I don't proclaim it is better, worse, or even that much different. I proclaim it as mine, and in that, I have my own personal "weights" (as I have written about before).

Towards the end of September, an uncle, who I thought a lot of, died unexpectedly on the day his mother, my grandmother, would have been her birthday. To say it devastated our family, including his children, would be an understatement. Everyone was planning to meet up, reminisce, and proceed to the wake/funeral, while still being in shock.

He had a knack of bringing the family together one way or another.

I was living in Peoria, IL, working for local minor league team, a winter at Kroger, and booking bands where I could. I had moved there almost two years before. I gave up just about everything I had to move because, sometimes, you just have to take a leap of faith. I believe belongings don't truly define who you are. Things can get lost, but experiences can last a lifetime.

The day after my uncle died, my girlfriend, whom I had been living with, decided she wanted to break up. Already in the state of mind I was in, I just couldn't deal with that at the time. As much as I wanted to go to the funeral, I was stuck five hours away. I knew had I left, I would've lost what little I had and had accumulated in those two years. I had to stay there to tie up loose ends, and to essentially make sure I wasn't getting screwed out of anything. I had started packing and planning with KR, conversing with SB, while trying to keep one eye on my things so that they wouldn't walk off, which they were doing. There was money that needed to be split, and shared possessions. Not only did I not know what I was going to keep, I had nowhere to go.

Then the hardest thing I had to deal with in recent memory happened.

About the second week of October, my cat, BB, died (I don't suspect the ex to have hurt him). He was my friend, my confidant, and my child. When I was in a worse place, he was what kept me going. People who saw me and him together knew how much we cared for each other. He was my solid base in times when things seemed to be rocky. I chose to never have children, because there are enough of them I could help without feeling the need to bring one into the world. BB was the closest thing I had ever had to that, and that is how I feel about him. He taught me more about what I was capable of than I had ever known. The last part of my world that was solid was gone.

I was a wreck. With everything else compounding, I was constantly in tears. I, in fact, still cry thinking about him. I couldn't find solace or talk to enough people to ease the pain I was going through. I had officially lost it at that point. People reached out to offer what condolences they could, and some shared stories of the loss the had with their fur babies. That didn't help me much, because I was in a self-absorbed depression. Then I would also hear the phrase "it was just a pet...".

Here is my reply to that: fuck you. If you lost a child, would it make you feel any better if I said "well, you didn't lose anything. They didn't live that long. They were just a kid."? The only real difference is that it didn't happen to you. i don't wish any harm to these people, but it would be nice if they were to experience the magnitude and insensitivity of the words they brought to me, for only so they could have the realization of the reality they act so confident in supplying.

As it was the end of October, I had what I thought at the time, was a solid plan. To make due, I was going to have to couch surf for a while until I got on my feet. I had spoken to people who offered to help, and I felt I could move forward with at least a little bit of what confidence I could muster up so that I didn't end up up "stuck".

Also, at this time, a glimmer of a positive thought came out of me. At 45 years old, I was given an opportunity to do something many did not have to do: I was able to pursue my happiness without "weights". I determined that it wouldn't make me happy where I was, but whom I was with, and that could be anywhere, and to cherish this rare opportunity. It was time for the rebuilding to commence.

I moved back to Owensboro, KY, which, in all honesty, other than family, there isn't much here for me. I feel like I am dying too fast here, but I had to do something without having very few of the things that were actually mine. In other words, I offset her bills for the winter involuntarily.

I want to say that around the first week of November, I had heard my dad was really sickly, and they were going to have to some dangerous (for him) surgeries. I always loved my dad, even if we had a hard time getting along with each other. I think at times we were just too much alike. In his mind, i was his son, and even as an adult, I often felt he saw me as the 5 year old boy that was taken from him. We shared a love for music, the Cincinnati Reds, and, at one point, beer (although I had quit drinking a few years before at this point).

I want to guess around the second week of November, he passed. My sister, her son, and myself went to Ohio to go to the funeral. I tried for the majority to stay strong, but I think it was obvious to anyone around me, I wasn't. Everything in my life felt tenuous, and still does to this day. It comes with the freedom I mentioned earlier.

Plans to couch surf had fallen through. I had no chances to get on my feet again that would've been fruitful for any amount of time. It feels like I am waiting for my turn to die.

It has always been extremely hard for me to open up. I feel I have real strong abandonment issues, which leads me to not trust people often or easily because I don't how long they will stay in my life. Slowly and surely, I know this is something I have to get out of. I don't go into the past much because of the negativity it brings, which, for me, is the same with opening up. I recall times where I did it before, only to get hurt and/or have it used against me. I had to choose better.

I am still fighting, but I am trying to grasp what and whom will come with me, which is extremely tough for me to do at this time.

This is my journey.

To be continued...

Until we meet again...

I'm just going to leave this here...

*MANTRA*

You're not getting booked...

I book bands professionally for shows and events on a national level. I help established artists get from town to town to play for their fans in all parts of the United States, whether it for a tour or for a "one-shot". Many times I have "not quite national" bands wanting help, so if I like them, I try to help where I can. I see many mistakes, and some are unavoidable, but there are some that make me scratch my head and wonder why are they even trying to go farther. In no particular order, I will post some things if you are in a smaller or local band you just don't do:

• Never try to convince the booking agent you know what you're doing. If you did, you wouldn't need the agent to begin with. Why would you go to a mechanic to get your car fixed if you can do it yourself? Get your head out of your ass.
• If an agent books you on a show, you represent him and the relationships he has built. Act professional or stay an amateur. Get your head out of your ass.
• If you book behind the agent's back to cut him out, know that he will find out. You can then say goodbye to him booking you anywhere else again. This is his booking and he likes to eat too. Get your head out of your ass.
• If you are essentially a local band, you don't have fans, you have friends. They may like your music, but they also may have known you personally for quite some time.. If you think your agent is a fan, he may like the music, but this is a business for him. Get your head out of your ass.
• Be careful where you get your music business advice from. Your local radio station person is not in the music business, but in the radio business. They make money broadcasting music, but they don't get to pick what they like to play on the air. If they did, why wouldn't they play your music? Get your head out of your ass.
• Don't confuse the music business with playing music. They are two different entities. Your agent or manager want you to play music other people like (as well as venue promoters and owners), while you want to naturally play what you like. If you can't tell the difference, get your head out of your ass.
• If you are in a cover band, and you play mostly other people's music, you are not going to branch out much more than locally, and you will eventually kill that town too, if you play every weekend. Cover bands don't go very far on a national level because EVERY town has 10 of them cheaper with a following than the absolutely no one you will bring to a show. Get your head out of your ass.
• If you are an original act without a record deal, take any show you can for exposure, and if you have an agent, you will be getting paid. If you are worried about the venue you are playing at because it isn't up to your lofty standards, stay in your garage or basement and complain about not going on tour with <insert national band here>. Pay your dues, get seen, and get your head out of your ass. 
• It is your agent's job to book you, not promote you. The venue may do some promotion, but they generally save that for national acts. Use social media, but don't rely on it. Promote or don't play in that town again. Get your head out of your ass.
• If you have anyone else who you let book you, don't bother an agent with asking him to help you. The venue wants the cheapest price possible, while the agent has a good idea of what the band actually needs to coordinate a show. If the agent is getting cut out of bookings, he is gone. Just save us all the hassle and book yourself. While you're at it, get your head out of your ass.
• If you live within four hours of a venue, and you aren't a national act, then you will be home that night. Promote the show, and don't ask for a hotel room from the venue. That is still considered local. Get your head out of your ass.
• Keep any rider you may have professional looking and within reason, as well as any dinner demands. If you agree to do a show without a rider, don't spring it on the promoter right before the show. You already have an agreement. Get your head out of your ass.
• I don't care if you are national or local band, a venue, a promoter, a band manager, a bar owner, a booking agent, or a musician, NEVER TRY TO RENEGOTIATE PAY AFTER THE AGREEMENT HAS BEEN REACHED. It creates a very hostile environment. get your head out of your ass.
• Network. Network. Network. Get to know everyone. The person you step on on your way up the ladder will be there to meet you on your way down. Get your head out of your ass.
• Never... NEVER post a video of your band where there is very little crowd. A promoter is not a music producer. They don't care if you are "killing it" on a song, but what your draw looks like. No one wants to book you based on your band rehearsals. Protect your brand. Get your head out of your ass.
• Dear cover band, an agent will have many bands he works with that makes more money for him than your band does, and even if they don't, don't ask him to work exclusively for you. Get your head out of your ass.
• While I can appreciate your dedication to your "art", this is a business. If you are worried how your art will be interpreted, don't ask a booking agent to help you get booked. This is a transaction, not a glee club meeting. Get your head out of your ass.

There are many more, so I am sure I will update this list as I remember them, but the one thing you have to focus on is to get your head out of your ass.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfTvjv3zhXs

Until we meet again...

I C U

I have always been able to read people. I listen to what they have to say and how they say it and determine their motives even if they don't know what their motivations are themselves. Most people don't know because they can not look at themselves from the outside looking in, which can be painful on many levels. In psychology, they talk about the ego, superego, and the id, and by all accounts it is essentially the same. Also with this ability, I have to practice great restraint in making sure I don't use this knowledge to my benefit in one way or another.

For this ability to work, often I have to see a situation without prejudice to my being within the situation and be honest with myself as to what actually happens. The pain this can cause is great because, while many people care about you, their main instinct is to only care about themselves. Many times they don't even know they're doing it, because to analyze it, as I stated before, can be immensely painful.

When I care for someone, my natural instinct is to read, study, and comprehend them. I study the world around them, like who influences them, what upsets them, what makes them tick, etc. They become my world; not obsessively, but because of my self-preservation (this has helped me avoid some bad situations) and I grow to care about them and decide if they truly are going to be in my life for the long haul or if they are fleeting.

The problem, however, is it never gets turned off and it never gets dormant. Most people call this "instincts" or "gut feeling", but I would guess mine is a bit different in that I view the entire landscape around the situation and, knowing the situation, can deduce what is actually happening almost to the exact time it is happening. I have been right about these kinds of things more often than I would ever want to, because of the anguish it can personally cause me. I have to play dumb more often than not to give myself the confidence to allow whatever circumstance that is happening to play out where I hope the person's morals, ethics, or accountability play out in the right way. I give them the benefit of the doubt.

So as this ability never gets turned off, I can tell when something is not right. In time, I am not reading as much as I am in the benefit of knowing, and even the slightest difference in the person's actions are glaring to me. I can smell the bullshit from miles away, and I usually know where it comes from, what the motivations are behind it, whether it be a person, event, circumstance, something else, or a combination of it all. This is where trusting anyone becomes a real chore. My gut reaction in this is to want to lash out and set the whole thing straight, but instead, I retract. I hide, because I have to hope for the other person to see this whole thing for themselves. Their life is their journey, and they will take the path that they see fit to take, even if they allow a person to manipulate them into a situation that is painful for you.

If you're wondering how I haven't been thrown in jail by now from reacting to all the dumb shit I have seen with this, it's because I don't want to go to jail.

People trust many things that have influence over them, whether it be a job, a family member, significant other, pet, friend,dependencies, or any numerous other possibilities. I call these "The Weight List". Each thing in everyone's life has priority, or "weight" to it. The more the priority, the more "weight" it has in your life. These weights can shift an entire situation to its benefit easily. I find, however, many people don't have their "weight" in proper order, which creates a level of chaos in their lives they feel they can't get out of, usually because by the time a shift happens, it can be like quicksand, mudslide, or an avalanche. It swallows them up and consumes them, sometimes before they know what hit them.

My point for writing this is all of this has played out in my mind the last few months. In September and October, I lost what seemed to be everything I held dear in my life... some of"my weights". The depression was, and still is at times, extremely severe (I actually am ashamed of living many times. Not suicidal, but I just don't think I should be here anymore). This set me back, along with plans to reshape kept falling through, I lost much of my motivation. My question for just about anything was an emphatic "what the fuck for?", verbally or consciously. Then I met someone.

The issue with finding someone is the weight shift. Luckily, I had very little to shift personally, but I also had to tread lightly as I knew I would have to be there when their weight would shift. In a relationship, this is towards the end of the "honeymoon stage" when you realize this person is a big part of your life and changes have happened and need to be, justifiably or unjustifiably, accounted for. Whether we realize it or not, we all go through this assessment.

What I noticed with this person was that weight was not being shifted, but was just being added. When a person does that, they have to start plotting to try to balance it all out before it consumes them. What many never see is that you can't go back to the way it was before because you've grown since then in one form or another.

Then an old friend moved back (more weight), which reminded this person (quite verbally) of the past. I told the person I was seeing the motives of their friend because it was real easy to see. A person who is greedy or self-serving stands out real quick, even from a distance, and the manipulation is like an onslaught to unsuspecting prey who just want to be with their friend. My words were dismissed easily, and I seen where my "weight" was as they were not even considered.

Side note: do you really want to know why when guys get into a serious relationship, they stop hanging out with their buddies? It is because the weight shifted, and they know that for a relationship to work, it can only be with two people. It's is just a part of their predator nature. When a woman gets into a relationship, she has to get everyone involved. I really think most women are conditioned to desire validation from the time they are infants.

So the friend manipulation is almost complete. I'm sitting back watching this entire scenario play out not saying a word (because I know how my word is weighted) and I see the person I was in a relationship with is going out from time to time with her ex that she dated before when her friend lived here before, but yet I am the one who is supposedly doing the manipulation. The cards are playing out exactly as I said, yet I am in the wrong? I need an answer for that one.

Many times, when the weight is being shifted, there can be lies or omissions of the truth (which is essentially a lie you didn't want to tell). I have been  receiving these frequently, which leads me to these questions: if a person supposedly still cares for me as much as they do, why is it easier to lie to me than be honest with their friend? Why does the friend have absolutely any weight in a relationship that is not their own? How does this person who was in a relationship with me and knows I read them better than they can read themselves think I can't read all of this?

Your biggest failure will be your estimation that I am stupid. That's when you expose your weaknesses.

I'm not sure how this will play out yet (but I have a good idea), as I see the little games are still going on, but I know the only way to be able to combat this effectively is to stay honest with myself, bide my time, and ask the right questions if I even want to consider going down this path. I truly think fate brought us together, then people got in the way.

Until we meet again...