I C U

I have always been able to read people. I listen to what they have to say and how they say it and determine their motives even if they don't know what their motivations are themselves. Most people don't know because they can not look at themselves from the outside looking in, which can be painful on many levels. In psychology, they talk about the ego, superego, and the id, and by all accounts it is essentially the same. Also with this ability, I have to practice great restraint in making sure I don't use this knowledge to my benefit in one way or another.

For this ability to work, often I have to see a situation without prejudice to my being within the situation and be honest with myself as to what actually happens. The pain this can cause is great because, while many people care about you, their main instinct is to only care about themselves. Many times they don't even know they're doing it, because to analyze it, as I stated before, can be immensely painful.

When I care for someone, my natural instinct is to read, study, and comprehend them. I study the world around them, like who influences them, what upsets them, what makes them tick, etc. They become my world; not obsessively, but because of my self-preservation (this has helped me avoid some bad situations) and I grow to care about them and decide if they truly are going to be in my life for the long haul or if they are fleeting.

The problem, however, is it never gets turned off and it never gets dormant. Most people call this "instincts" or "gut feeling", but I would guess mine is a bit different in that I view the entire landscape around the situation and, knowing the situation, can deduce what is actually happening almost to the exact time it is happening. I have been right about these kinds of things more often than I would ever want to, because of the anguish it can personally cause me. I have to play dumb more often than not to give myself the confidence to allow whatever circumstance that is happening to play out where I hope the person's morals, ethics, or accountability play out in the right way. I give them the benefit of the doubt.

So as this ability never gets turned off, I can tell when something is not right. In time, I am not reading as much as I am in the benefit of knowing, and even the slightest difference in the person's actions are glaring to me. I can smell the bullshit from miles away, and I usually know where it comes from, what the motivations are behind it, whether it be a person, event, circumstance, something else, or a combination of it all. This is where trusting anyone becomes a real chore. My gut reaction in this is to want to lash out and set the whole thing straight, but instead, I retract. I hide, because I have to hope for the other person to see this whole thing for themselves. Their life is their journey, and they will take the path that they see fit to take, even if they allow a person to manipulate them into a situation that is painful for you.

If you're wondering how I haven't been thrown in jail by now from reacting to all the dumb shit I have seen with this, it's because I don't want to go to jail.

People trust many things that have influence over them, whether it be a job, a family member, significant other, pet, friend,dependencies, or any numerous other possibilities. I call these "The Weight List". Each thing in everyone's life has priority, or "weight" to it. The more the priority, the more "weight" it has in your life. These weights can shift an entire situation to its benefit easily. I find, however, many people don't have their "weight" in proper order, which creates a level of chaos in their lives they feel they can't get out of, usually because by the time a shift happens, it can be like quicksand, mudslide, or an avalanche. It swallows them up and consumes them, sometimes before they know what hit them.

My point for writing this is all of this has played out in my mind the last few months. In September and October, I lost what seemed to be everything I held dear in my life... some of"my weights". The depression was, and still is at times, extremely severe (I actually am ashamed of living many times. Not suicidal, but I just don't think I should be here anymore). This set me back, along with plans to reshape kept falling through, I lost much of my motivation. My question for just about anything was an emphatic "what the fuck for?", verbally or consciously. Then I met someone.

The issue with finding someone is the weight shift. Luckily, I had very little to shift personally, but I also had to tread lightly as I knew I would have to be there when their weight would shift. In a relationship, this is towards the end of the "honeymoon stage" when you realize this person is a big part of your life and changes have happened and need to be, justifiably or unjustifiably, accounted for. Whether we realize it or not, we all go through this assessment.

What I noticed with this person was that weight was not being shifted, but was just being added. When a person does that, they have to start plotting to try to balance it all out before it consumes them. What many never see is that you can't go back to the way it was before because you've grown since then in one form or another.

Then an old friend moved back (more weight), which reminded this person (quite verbally) of the past. I told the person I was seeing the motives of their friend because it was real easy to see. A person who is greedy or self-serving stands out real quick, even from a distance, and the manipulation is like an onslaught to unsuspecting prey who just want to be with their friend. My words were dismissed easily, and I seen where my "weight" was as they were not even considered.

Side note: do you really want to know why when guys get into a serious relationship, they stop hanging out with their buddies? It is because the weight shifted, and they know that for a relationship to work, it can only be with two people. It's is just a part of their predator nature. When a woman gets into a relationship, she has to get everyone involved. I really think most women are conditioned to desire validation from the time they are infants.

So the friend manipulation is almost complete. I'm sitting back watching this entire scenario play out not saying a word (because I know how my word is weighted) and I see the person I was in a relationship with is going out from time to time with her ex that she dated before when her friend lived here before, but yet I am the one who is supposedly doing the manipulation. The cards are playing out exactly as I said, yet I am in the wrong? I need an answer for that one.

Many times, when the weight is being shifted, there can be lies or omissions of the truth (which is essentially a lie you didn't want to tell). I have been  receiving these frequently, which leads me to these questions: if a person supposedly still cares for me as much as they do, why is it easier to lie to me than be honest with their friend? Why does the friend have absolutely any weight in a relationship that is not their own? How does this person who was in a relationship with me and knows I read them better than they can read themselves think I can't read all of this?

Your biggest failure will be your estimation that I am stupid. That's when you expose your weaknesses.

I'm not sure how this will play out yet (but I have a good idea), as I see the little games are still going on, but I know the only way to be able to combat this effectively is to stay honest with myself, bide my time, and ask the right questions if I even want to consider going down this path. I truly think fate brought us together, then people got in the way.

Until we meet again...